This program has just aired, I turned it on at 2135 ready for the news and was happily playing Galactic Civilizations 3 by myself. I was listening to it though and heard a man speaking about how he has been affected by being abused and how he had looked online to see if there were any information on the long-term effects of having being abused. They spoke about what he found, a list of 10 things. I suffer every sodding one, just like him. I thought I had dealt with it when I had counselling in 2006 but it’s now clear to me that not only have I NOT dealt with it, it has led me to where I am now, divorced and estranged from my family, with no friends going from screwed up relationship to screwed up relationship. I was only abused the once but that abuse, at the hands of a teenage bloke I considered a friend, I was only 7 and talked to everybody and chatted with him most days when I was out playing in the garden when he went past. I was proud to have such a grown up friend … the thought of this makes me feel sick to the stomach now.
If I knew where he was I would report him to the police and have him prosecuted. Sadly I have no faith in West Yorkshire Police, they have failed me time and time again through my life and don’t expect them to do anything different with this, They are no better than South Yorkshire’s force, they just havent been humiliated publicly YET so people dont know how crap they are. Anyway, that’s a blog for another time, this is about my being abused.
It took me 32 years to tell a living soul about what had happened, I felt guilty, ashamed, to blame for what happened, When I spoke of it though I wasnt intending to. I was having counselling in the pain management clinic to help with my depression over the pain I’m in because of my health issues. It was when we were talking about my childhood that the words came out of my mouth. I didn’t realise what I was saying until I had said it, and then it was like a dam had burst, 32 years of pent-up emotions and pain just flooded out of me. I was an absolute wreck, in danger of drowning in my own tears like Alice in wonderland when she shrank after the drink me/eat me thing.
The counselling felt as though it had helped but I am not sure now that it actually did help. It was not long after this that my marriage went up in smoke and slowly, now I think back I realise that I have changed because of it, and not in a good way. The anger that I feel is in danger of not staying controlled. I find myself imagining actually killing others, either total strangers who in my daydreams have wronged me, or abused others, or who are playing the “He looks like a paedophile” GAME, which as I have told several while out is NOT a bloody game, there is absolutely nothing funny about paedo’s or child abuse so there is nothing to make into a game. It is their game” which is in part making paedos think that abusing kids isn’t serious, they think people think its funny, just something to laugh at and boy do I have a hard time controlling my fury when I over hear someone playing it, especially when *I* am the person they have decided looks like one. Twice I have almost ended up in an all out violent exchange in the street or pub as a result. I’m really concerned that one time I WILL actually lash out with 42 years of pent-up anger, rage, hellish fury and that I might not be able to stop when I start, resulting in my actually killing someone because they were playing their sick game. Of course they are always extremely embarrassed when I tell them what I think of them and how I was abused, and that it ISNT funny, or something to laugh about.
I’ve been trying to speak to my GP about this anger for several weeks now but when I saw a different GP because mine was on holiday he was running behind badly and only had 10 minutes for each patient because that is all they book. If you want to address more than one issue you are to book multiple appointments. I didn’t know this until after I had lost my patience with him, told him how useless he was and stormed out in a rage. When I calmed down I rang the surgery and booked an appointment to see my GP when back off holiday, that was on the 1st of April, I see him on Friday coming, the 15th, assuming I get to it without having snapped completely. Here’s hoping. I am avoiding other people deliberately now so that I don’t do or say anything that cannot be undone/unsaid.
All this pain and suffering caused for the gratification of one sick individuals perverted needs. He likely hasn’t given me a minutes thought since, whereas I have been living that time over and over again, and have been twisted from the loving friendly, sociable person I was as a kid into one who now cannot get past the hate and rage. I can’t even look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror. Makes doing your hair a real pain I can tell you.
So, anyway, I’m going to shut up now. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this, but I had to type it. I had to share how I felt to stop the tears that this damned program brought on. If you hear anyone playing the “He looks like a paedo” game please tell them that they are sick, and that it is NOT something to laugh and joke about, even if they are doing it as they dont know how to talk about it. When victims such as I hear them talking it REALLY hurts, my paedo wasnt a middle-aged man with glasses and a beard, he was 16, a high school student with no whiskers at all. Paedophiles can look like anyone, because they are from all groups in society, including the police, military, politics, hospitals, even social services. They are men and women and they are from every age group. The damage they cause I so much more severe than a non victim can ever understand. But I hope that you reader will try at least to think about this when you’re out and about. And if you suspect someone of abusing kids, be it sexual like mine or violently, REPORT them, dont think “I could be wrong” and not bother. How will you feel if that child kills themselves or disappears then turns up dead. You could have stopped it. Think on that and act if you have even a suspicion. The authorities now are, thankfully, finally doing something about SOME of the abusers, but they have a long way to go. They need everyone’s help, they cannot do it al alone. Lets lose no more kids to sick perverts. Lets stamp it out once and for all.